tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69043429042917931662024-03-13T05:33:54.115-07:00Depression and Anxiety has got me by the OvariesBeautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.comBlogger204125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-69833175232728247872011-08-10T19:02:00.000-07:002011-08-10T19:02:53.070-07:00GrannyA few days ago Granny was placed in the hospital for some serious ailments. It has now been deemed necessary to place Gran into a Convalescent home. No one in the family is thrilled with this, but we all know that it's for the best at the moment. Apparently she has been eating very well and has been doing her physical therapy without a fight. All I need to know is that she is being treated well, or there will be hell to pay.Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-82946849483841595592011-08-07T14:21:00.000-07:002011-08-07T14:21:08.847-07:00Dee's latestFound out Friday that all Dee's surgery didn't go as planned. There is a muscle that is in the way, behind a valve. (I think that is what was told to me) Anyway, he has some leakage that is in 2 places. He goes back in 4 mos. He's doing well, still tired tho. Me???? I bought 2 pairs of boots!!Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-82187722344097974222011-06-29T19:16:00.000-07:002011-06-29T19:16:55.717-07:00Surgery TimeThat dreaded day has arrived. We have been here at the hospital since 9am, it is now 7:22pm and still NO surgery. Anxiety is flying high. I just want this to be over with. Looks like it's going to be a long night for all... Damn it!Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-48936092181320788462011-05-24T14:49:00.000-07:002011-05-24T14:49:53.826-07:00Today we found out that on June 29th Dee will be having another heart surgery! How do we feel bout this? Well, Dee is NOT scared or nervous... so he says. Me. I am shitting bricks.... how many times do they have to open his chest. And is this procedure gonna keep him from napping 6hrs a day, and give him a life?Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-56186668433272423342011-05-21T20:23:00.000-07:002011-05-21T20:23:19.531-07:00My SonMy son just asked me if I knew how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? His guess is 40 licks.... mines is 20 to his "chops" if he doesn't leave me alone. I mean damn, he sprung my toe today, then stepped on it hours later... can we say BROKEN~!Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-63988083346151611982011-05-21T20:11:00.000-07:002011-05-21T20:13:08.547-07:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #073763;">So today was filled with lots of anxiety... not all of my making, either. I am too irritated to go into details. Lets just say that I had 3 walks and 4 drives.... and that still was NOT enough me time!</span>Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-3585052397720493932011-05-19T22:24:00.000-07:002011-05-19T22:24:54.519-07:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">My aching wounds... what I wouldn't give for 300 balloons to fly away all this destructive doom. And to replace it with joys of bloom... bloom that can be seen and felt very soon.</span>Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-39259227823813219102011-05-19T09:55:00.000-07:002011-05-19T09:55:29.985-07:00My sister just asked me if the box that will contain my Grandmother's (not granny) ashes will be the size of a Newport Ciggy box... see what I deal with?Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-20521217149405888332011-05-18T17:09:00.000-07:002011-05-18T17:09:33.113-07:00Phony Pony<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #351c75;">Yesterday, my son and I went to the store and there is a clerk there that flirts with me....yes, I flirt back. Anyways, when we got home I noticed that my "phony pony' was no longer attached to my head. We were looking high and low for it and all I could think of I that I NEVER CAN go back to the store. All theses thoughts were kicking my ass; was my pony in the mop-water he was preparing... as he was checking me out, was it hanging on the Cash machine, stuck in the beef jerky isle? I was in a panic, so I sent Dee out to the car to look for the hair-piece and there it was, in the back seat. That case was solved, but.... was it attached to my head when I entered the store, or just hiding in the back seat? I've gotta KNOW, that sucker is a heavy piece of hair.... you just don't notice it missing... but in my case maybe ya do.</span>Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-29039560614111915952011-05-18T16:45:00.000-07:002011-05-18T16:45:02.186-07:00HiyaHiya, I am back! This little blog has played a larger part in my therapy than I suspected. So I have been asked to keep it up and I will. Once again, it will be about anything and everything that crosses my diabolical mind. See Ya!Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-74948537427103971122011-03-23T15:10:00.000-07:002011-03-23T15:10:03.815-07:00Will expand on this... later... when I calm down.I've just been hit with something from my Mother... regarding Dee and his re-scheduled surgery. Some of you know that I left her house last week and NO longer will be caring for Granny. I have shared some of the frustrations with my pals, but have held back a lot more... a lot more that is freakin UNBELIEVABLE.Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-3447674339528888422011-03-01T18:45:00.000-08:002011-03-01T18:45:29.675-08:00Hitting the Road... again!<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0c343d;">It has been a while since I jotted down my struggles & triumphs with/over the Bitch and her Bastards. So much has been going on that honestly, if I took the time to do just that, I'd never have time for anything or anyone else. I mean, let's be real... I have been a virtual Servant to my damn family for the last 6-7 months, with no time for ME! However, this week I am resigning from that unpaid occupation for GOOD! In these past months... the bitch Depression and her bastards have tortured me to no end. Every day Anxiety made fun of me and all my thoughts... why? Because I thought I was doing the right thing, by being a "good" daughter/granddaughter... an Unappreciated one.</span></i>Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-19622266511004346002011-01-13T19:00:00.000-08:002011-01-13T19:00:52.797-08:00Just feeling really low tonight... not understanding why things are Not looking up for me. Sometimes the fight doesn't seem worthwhile.Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-17758790299807900292011-01-04T19:52:00.000-08:002011-01-04T19:52:19.738-08:00In a few hoursWe will be on our way to yet another surgery. I'm feeling anxious and somewhat depressed. I know the reason why the depression has crept up, it's because I will not be able to take away what Dee will be feeling. As a mother, that seems to be one of the biggest challenges in life and it never ceases, it seems! Anxiety is always a lurker. For the past month it's been making appearances here and there. In a few hours... I expect that anxiety will be a constant companion.Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-52540124806860594822010-12-31T21:09:00.000-08:002010-12-31T21:09:03.149-08:00Here I am<span style="color: #990000;">It's the very last hours of 2010 and I have been contemplating. This year's events rocked my ass to the core. Losing our home to foreclosure nearly put me "under"... literally! The guilt/shame/pain was so hauntingly perverse, I couldn't function. To top it all off bi-polar was willing to hand-out as many shoves/slaps/punches on a wicked cycle... </span><i style="color: #990000;">it</i><span style="color: #990000;"> can NEVER be left out. Anyway, I thought that there would NEVER come a time when I would look forward to waking up in the morning. </span><br />
<span style="color: #990000;">However... here I am... wishing/waiting for Tomorrow~</span> <span style="font-size: small;">2011</span>Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-39133745281946367772010-12-13T18:24:00.000-08:002010-12-15T11:46:04.195-08:00A Friend Says<i style="color: #351c75;">I don't know what it was but, today was a different day from the rest. The anxiety & depression was still, there only lighter. I have been thinking about what my friend, Treece has been so good to remind me when I am feeling sooo defeated. She says """ While no one can go back and make a new start, everyone can make a new end".</i><span style="color: #351c75;"> {something like that, sorry Treece}</span><i style="color: #351c75;"> So, that's just what I plan on doing, and I am starting now. I will get to where I want to be...</i>Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-30778317513145169392010-12-06T11:14:00.000-08:002010-12-13T18:25:24.834-08:00Twisting the Ovaries<span style="color: #990000;">Not feeling much different than yesterday! I've kinda figured out what has been eating at me... and why! Of course it has something to do with the kid. I have noticed that he seems a little withdrawn, it started about three nights ago. At first I thought it had to do with his heart and or upcoming surgery (it may, and he is just NOT saying so). Now I'm thinking it has something to do with our shopping trip that we took last week. We had to pass the home we lost and I guess I wasn't all that aware at the time, but looking back he did seem affected... at lunch he was less talkative. Last night I caught him looking thru the apartment brochures, so I figure this has been gnawing at him... gonna talk to him about it later!</span> <span style="color: #990000;">I absolutely can NOT bare to see my baby in any DisComfort... breaks my heart~</span>Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-26850195256849014832010-12-05T09:37:00.000-08:002010-12-05T09:37:45.294-08:00Tired and DarkI woke up with the feeling of dread, then that feeling increased into something much darker. Right now just wish a little hole would swallow me up. Going to go wash my hair!Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-58634597888724473442010-11-27T21:07:00.000-08:002010-11-27T21:07:36.174-08:00My HeartMy comment disappeared, I wrote a really nice post, praising my son for his patience when it comes to his Granny and his Great Granny.... I am really seeing a lil man... a child with his own heart issues.... well, it may be damaged but his HEART is HUGE!! My Love~~Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-39367197052970737422010-11-26T17:24:00.000-08:002010-11-26T17:25:10.724-08:00Mid Sis & MeMy middle sister and I were talking about all the things that are plaguing me... and I made a joke about something, maybe about my Grandmother who just arrived here today from the South, she promptly told my sister that I broke her leg! Well, I have NOT seen Grandma Ruth probably in over 16yrsI found that hilarious. So Mid sister said are you gonna tweet about it? I said No... some shit is sacred... she said the hell shit is with you.... you told all about Uncle Prentiss with his one leg being pushed in the grocery cart, still trying to pimp.... I said.. that's different, I'm trying to get noticed my Seth MacFarlane! We of course laughed our asses off because... we got so much family shit info all around, it's kinda scary. Anyway, Mid Sis paid me a compliment... she said, I'm glad you're laughing... I asked what she meant.... and she said well, the other day you sounded so blue... it wasn't you... it wasn't my lil sis! She was correct!!Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-89326297611879852312010-11-25T03:33:00.000-08:002010-11-25T03:33:47.102-08:00consumed with guiltNo sleep at all... I am consumed with pain and guilt. It just doesn't seem that I will ever get over losing our home. It will be a year in Feb since I have been sleeping on my sisters couch... and my son has been living with his granny/aunt. There are days when I have to drive pass the house... it eats away at my heart. I can not get a grip, because I am constantly reminded that basically I am homeless. I know I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head.... but this roof comes with consequences... so many diabolical demands that at times I would rather be in a shelter than to have to hear myself being degraded behind my back, or have my niece and nephews walking around with condescending looks, and rolling their eyes... Especially when I know that I have literally taken care of all of them, when their PAPA did a runner... I should clarify that and say when HE DOES HIS RUNNERS! All I have ever wanted to do was/is take-care of my son... That house was for his security... now we have nothing... and I'm crying!Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-58673832224597289532010-11-24T01:36:00.000-08:002010-11-29T11:36:39.487-08:00What am I going to do, what can be done?<span style="color: #cc0000;">I have been up all night, earlier I had bit of a meltdown. My kid was calling non stop... just to make sure I wasn't out clubbing or something.. The love I have 4 my son is so much that there are really NO adequate words to describe it. But today I just needed to concentrate on a few important things. I'm tired and have been searching online for affordable Apartments.... not having any luck. And I will tell you, that going from owning your own house to sleeping on your sister's couch.. to looking into moving into an apartment is so disheartening... it hurts like hell!</span>Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-39925872976369525252010-11-23T22:12:00.000-08:002010-11-23T22:12:52.485-08:00Booty camp.. readyNew quest tomorrow... very early boot-camp work-out, and then a Zumba class! And then in the evening I believe it's aerobics and nutritional health training. Will I lose my Marilyn Monroe "stats".. anyhow, it's gonna be good for me in every aspect of may life.... Shoes, here I come... I can't wait. This will give me the clarity that I have been searching for... in regard to all the decisions that only I have to make~~Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-10673104855215311992010-11-22T19:43:00.000-08:002010-11-22T19:43:07.922-08:00Year o' PiscesWasn't going to write today... but seeing how it was the first day of treatment with the new Dr. I may as well tell how frustrated I became cause the damn clerks sent me way out near the airport and my appt was not even there. Anyway he turned out to be a nice Gent. This evening I started writing again,,, song lyrics but became very sad,, started thinking of my friends that are no longer alive, and my son's poem, I just cant seem to finish it without crying! Also talked to a psychic, and there was some clarity, that I had been seeking for some time. It's not gonna be an easy task, but a necessary task. She also told me things, big things are starting to happen for me.. and I am holding that close to the heart/mind! My year.. the year of this Pisces is gonna rock~~Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6904342904291793166.post-56646389082148294542010-11-21T17:23:00.000-08:002010-11-21T17:23:11.638-08:00<span style="color: #4c1130;">So I got up and did my thing... to head out to the Dr. all morning I had been calling the Clinic to get accurate address.. so of course anxiety was flexing. I happened to look at the date on my cell, and it said Sun 21, I could NOT believe it... Where was my head... needless to say, I had a good laugh and then I went shopping. Now I am spending the night here with my son at his Granny's house. In the morning I will be heading back my way for the REAL Appt.... and boy do I have a lot to talk about!!!!</span>Beautiful*Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00438556757662239274noreply@blogger.com0