Depression and Anxiety has got me by the Ovaries

Granny

2011-08-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

A few days ago Granny was placed in the hospital for some serious ailments. It has now been deemed necessary to place Gran into a Convalescent home. No one in the family is thrilled with this, but we all know that it's for the best at the moment. Apparently she has been eating very well and has been doing her physical therapy without a fight. All I need to know is that she is being treated well, or there will be hell to pay.

Dee's latest

2011-08-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

Found out Friday that all Dee's surgery didn't go as planned. There is a muscle that is in the way, behind a valve. (I think that is what was told to me) Anyway, he has some leakage that is in 2 places. He goes back in 4 mos. He's doing well, still tired tho. Me???? I bought 2 pairs of boots!!

Surgery Time

2011-06-29T19:16:00.000-07:00

That dreaded day has arrived. We have been here at the hospital since 9am, it is now 7:22pm and still NO surgery. Anxiety is flying high. I just want this to be over with. Looks like it's going to be a long night for all... Damn it!

2011-05-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

Today we found out that on June 29th Dee will be having another heart surgery! How do we feel bout this? Well, Dee is NOT scared or nervous... so he says. Me. I am shitting bricks.... how many times do they have to open his chest. And is this procedure gonna keep him from napping 6hrs a day, and give him a life?

My Son

2011-05-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

My son just asked me if I knew how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? His guess is 40 licks.... mines is 20 to his "chops" if he doesn't leave me alone. I mean damn, he sprung my toe today, then stepped on it hours later... can we say BROKEN~!

2011-05-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

So today was filled with lots of anxiety... not all of my making, either. I am too irritated to go into details. Lets just say that I had 3 walks and 4 drives.... and that still was NOT enough me time!

2011-05-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

My aching wounds... what I wouldn't give for 300 balloons to fly away all this destructive doom. And to replace it with joys of bloom... bloom that can be seen and felt very soon.

2011-05-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

My sister just asked me if the box that will contain my Grandmother's (not granny) ashes will be the size of a Newport Ciggy box... see what I deal with?

Phony Pony

2011-05-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my son and I went to the store and there is a clerk there that flirts with me....yes, I flirt back. Anyways, when we got home I noticed that my "phony pony' was no longer attached to my head. We were looking high and low for it and all I could think of I that I NEVER CAN go back to the store. All theses thoughts were kicking my ass; was my pony in the mop-water he was preparing... as he was checking me out, was it hanging on the Cash machine, stuck in the beef jerky isle? I was in a panic, so I sent Dee out to the car to look for the hair-piece and there it was, in the back seat. That case was solved, but.... was it attached to my head when I entered the store, or just hiding in the back seat? I've gotta KNOW, that sucker is a heavy piece of hair.... you just don't notice it missing... but in my case maybe ya do.

Hiya

2011-05-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

Hiya, I am back! This little blog has played a larger part in my therapy than I suspected. So I have been asked to keep it up and I will. Once again, it will be about anything and everything that crosses my diabolical mind. See Ya!

Will expand on this... later... when I calm down.

2011-03-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

I've just been hit with something from my Mother... regarding Dee and his re-scheduled surgery. Some of you know that I left her house last week and NO longer will be caring for Granny. I have shared some of the frustrations with my pals, but have held back a lot more... a lot more that is freakin UNBELIEVABLE.

Hitting the Road... again!

2011-03-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I jotted down my struggles & triumphs with/over the Bitch and her Bastards. So much has been going on that honestly, if I took the time to do just that, I'd never have time for anything or anyone else. I mean, let's be real... I have been a virtual Servant to my damn family for the last 6-7 months, with no time for ME! However, this week I am resigning from that unpaid occupation for GOOD! In these past months... the bitch Depression and her bastards have tortured me to no end. Every day Anxiety made fun of me and all my thoughts... why? Because I thought I was doing the right thing, by being a "good" daughter/granddaughter... an Unappreciated one.

2011-01-13T19:00:00.000-08:00

Just feeling really low tonight... not understanding why things are Not looking up for me. Sometimes the fight doesn't seem worthwhile.

In a few hours

2011-01-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

We will be on our way to yet another surgery. I'm feeling anxious and somewhat depressed. I know the reason why the depression has crept up, it's because I will not be able to take away what Dee will be feeling. As a mother, that seems to be one of the biggest challenges in life and it never ceases, it seems! Anxiety is always a lurker. For the past month it's been making appearances here and there. In a few hours... I expect that anxiety will be a constant companion.

Here I am

2010-12-31T21:09:00.000-08:00

It's the very last hours of 2010 and I have been contemplating. This year's events rocked my ass to the core. Losing our home to foreclosure nearly put me "under"... literally! The guilt/shame/pain was so hauntingly perverse, I couldn't function. To top it all off bi-polar was willing to hand-out as many shoves/slaps/punches on a wicked cycle... it can NEVER be left out. Anyway, I thought that there would NEVER come a time when I would look forward to waking up in the morning.
However... here I am... wishing/waiting for Tomorrow~ 2011

A Friend Says

2010-12-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it was but, today was a different day from the rest. The anxiety & depression was still, there only lighter. I have been thinking about what my friend, Treece has been so good to remind me when I am feeling sooo defeated. She says """ While no one can go back and make a new start, everyone can make a new end". {something like that, sorry Treece} So, that's just what I plan on doing, and I am starting now. I will get to where I want to be...

Twisting the Ovaries

2010-12-06T11:14:00.000-08:00

Not feeling much different than yesterday! I've kinda figured out what has been eating at me... and why! Of course it has something to do with the kid. I have noticed that he seems a little withdrawn, it started about three nights ago. At first I thought it had to do with his heart and or upcoming surgery (it may, and he is just NOT saying so). Now I'm thinking it has something to do with our shopping trip that we took last week. We had to pass the home we lost and I guess I wasn't all that aware at the time, but looking back he did seem affected... at lunch he was less talkative. Last night I caught him looking thru the apartment brochures, so I figure this has been gnawing at him... gonna talk to him about it later! I absolutely can NOT bare to see my baby in any DisComfort... breaks my heart~

Tired and Dark

2010-12-05T09:37:00.000-08:00

I woke up with the feeling of dread, then that feeling increased into something much darker. Right now just wish a little hole would swallow me up. Going to go wash my hair!

My Heart

2010-11-27T21:07:00.000-08:00

My comment disappeared, I wrote a really nice post, praising my son for his patience when it comes to his Granny and his Great Granny.... I am really seeing a lil man... a child with his own heart issues.... well, it may be damaged but his HEART is HUGE!! My Love~~

Mid Sis & Me

2010-11-26T17:24:00.000-08:00

My middle sister and I were talking about all the things that are plaguing me... and I made a joke about something, maybe about my Grandmother who just arrived here today from the South, she promptly told my sister that I broke her leg! Well, I have NOT seen Grandma Ruth probably in over 16yrsI found that hilarious. So Mid sister said are you gonna tweet about it? I said No... some shit is sacred... she said the hell shit is with you.... you told all about Uncle Prentiss with his one leg being pushed in the grocery cart, still trying to pimp.... I said.. that's different, I'm trying to get noticed my Seth MacFarlane! We of course laughed our asses off because... we got so much family shit info all around, it's kinda scary. Anyway, Mid Sis paid me a compliment... she said, I'm glad you're laughing... I asked what she meant.... and she said well, the other day you sounded so blue... it wasn't you... it wasn't my lil sis! She was correct!!

consumed with guilt

2010-11-25T03:33:00.000-08:00

No sleep at all... I am consumed with pain and guilt. It just doesn't seem that I will ever get over losing our home. It will be a year in Feb since I have been sleeping on my sisters couch... and my son has been living with his granny/aunt. There are days when I have to drive pass the house... it eats away at my heart. I can not get a grip, because I am constantly reminded that basically I am homeless. I know I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head.... but this roof comes with consequences... so many diabolical demands that at times I would rather be in a shelter than to have to hear myself being degraded behind my back, or have my niece and nephews walking around with condescending looks, and rolling their eyes... Especially when I know that I have literally taken care of all of them, when their PAPA did a runner... I should clarify that and say when HE DOES HIS RUNNERS! All I have ever wanted to do was/is take-care of my son... That house was for his security... now we have nothing... and I'm crying!

What am I going to do, what can be done?

2010-11-24T01:36:00.000-08:00

I have been up all night, earlier I had bit of a meltdown. My kid was calling non stop... just to make sure I wasn't out clubbing or something.. The love I have 4 my son is so much that there are really NO adequate words to describe it. But today I just needed to concentrate on a few important things. I'm tired and have been searching online for affordable Apartments.... not having any luck. And I will tell you, that going from owning your own house to sleeping on your sister's couch.. to looking into moving into an apartment is so disheartening... it hurts like hell!

Booty camp.. ready

2010-11-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

New quest tomorrow... very early boot-camp work-out, and then a Zumba class! And then in the evening I believe it's aerobics and nutritional health training. Will I lose my Marilyn Monroe "stats".. anyhow, it's gonna be good for me in every aspect of may life.... Shoes, here I come... I can't wait. This will give me the clarity that I have been searching for... in regard to all the decisions that only I have to make~~

Year o' Pisces

2010-11-22T19:43:00.000-08:00

Wasn't going to write today... but seeing how it was the first day of treatment with the new Dr. I may as well tell how frustrated I became cause the damn clerks sent me way out near the airport and my appt was not even there. Anyway he turned out to be a nice Gent. This evening I started writing again,,, song lyrics but became very sad,, started thinking of my friends that are no longer alive, and my son's poem, I just cant seem to finish it without crying! Also talked to a psychic, and there was some clarity, that I had been seeking for some time. It's not gonna be an easy task, but a necessary task. She also told me things, big things are starting to happen for me.. and I am holding that close to the heart/mind! My year.. the year of this Pisces is gonna rock~~

2010-11-21T17:23:00.000-08:00

So I got up and did my thing... to head out to the Dr. all morning I had been calling the Clinic to get accurate address.. so of course anxiety was flexing. I happened to look at the date on my cell, and it said Sun 21, I could NOT believe it... Where was my head... needless to say, I had a good laugh and then I went shopping. Now I am spending the night here with my son at his Granny's house. In the morning I will be heading back my way for the REAL Appt.... and boy do I have a lot to talk about!!!!

Good Hair Day Yesterday

2010-11-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

.Yesterday was a good day! Got my hair cut and colored, the style is not what I normally would have chose but my original beautician no longer lives in Cali... and {new} Lucy did a great job, plus she loves shoes too!When it grows out.. it's gonna be lovely! I am feeling very happy at the moment, I've recaptured a glimpse of the old me. Next, is my work-out regime, I'm gonna go back to belly-dancing! There are so many things that I want to do now, and I'm seeing through the battle of Bi-polar... I can accomplish what I set out to do.

2010-11-17T22:52:00.000-08:00

Getting sleepy but not enough to make me drift off. I guess if I take these headphones off and stop listening to my Husband's P music, I'll probably be able to go... but Lady Cab Driver got me shaking my ass, like I'm at the club! If you listen to most of all his older joints with headphones... you experience a sick ride... Do I dare say Ear Orgasmic~~

I've decided

2010-11-17T06:17:00.000-08:00

Woke feeling pretty good... Haven't taken my meds yet, but I'm feeling like I've got life changing plans coming up soon... not just about Dee, but my entire life... I am gonna have to go for a divorce... divorce all the toxic people in my life and THEY know who THEY are.... promises are just that... empty lies and deceit! And I am far too good for the "Hollywood" Game, besides I'm 39 and that shit is for tweens!

Dee's surgery poem.. unfinished

2010-11-16T20:24:00.000-08:00

I am still trying to write Dee's surgery poem... but I simply can not get my thoughts to connect. I think my emotions are so raw at the moment... that there isn't much room for anything else. I will keep trying... maybe, I will be able to come-up with a different concept... we'll see. All I know is that boy is my HEART, and I can't bare the thought of him hurting in anyway!

2010-11-15T08:57:00.000-08:00

I just put a call into the Heart Center... I can NOT make it to Dec 3rd to find out exactly what is happening. I figure the Doc has had plenty of time to review all test and to consult with his colleagues... seriously this torture, not just for me but for the kid. He is already packing his "supplies"... mostly video games, but hey... those are vital to him, just as my computer is for me. Stay tuned...

2010-11-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

My plans for tomorrow... well, I am going for my walk, and the I am going to check-out another Gym... been putting it off. But, I figure now is the best time, I want to get back into shape before my Son's surgery. I know I'm gonna need all the strength and focus I can muster-up. Shit, my stomach is churning as I type this and I don't know if it's from the thought of exercising... or the vision of my baby hooked-up to all the tubes and monitors... I should be a pro at the latter! In any case... it all just sucks!

2010-11-13T17:50:00.000-08:00

I am so hoping that I am getting back on track with my treatment. A lot has happened and I had to withdraw for a bit... I needed to "see" where I was headed... and I did... and it was NOT a very good place to end up at. People don't understand that this is a life and death battle. It's a fight for control over the very basic tools/skills to "live" by/with. Some days are simply heartbreaking!

2010-10-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

Today was a reminder that no matter how much time has passed... certain things remain painful and too powerful to ignore! These "things" some were created by me, while in addition I allowed others to prosper from them. I just gave and gave... but never to myself... it would seem! And in a way, I still am giving... although I am all tapped out... some actively search out the tiny... droplets!

2010-10-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

Today was filled with lots of giggles... and thoughts with a lot less fear. I have to give the credit to my TweetStars, you guys are simply lovely... and I adore all of you~~

COB-WEBS-IN-HELL

2010-10-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

Again no sleep... and I'm feeling it but not really in an exhausted way. More like in my coordination is off, and that I need/should stay put... cause nothing good is gonna come from trying to be active. And the creepy crawly pest is back, face feels like it's covered in cob-webs... arms and legs are not happy, I've practically *deskinned* them! I've been having mini anxiety attacks since yesterday... and deep breathing ain't helping. This afternoon my son called to inform me that he received paperwork for his MRI.. and that the appointment was moved up to the 2nd... I have my suspicion as to why it was changed and I'm not trying to go there in thought! This evening I worked on setting up another blog, email, twitter for a project I've been wanting to do. I am really bad at that kind of thing... it is so time consuming! MAN, I THINK I MAY GO TO THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT... THIS FUCKING ITCHING IS TORTURE... I CAN'T TAKE IT... JUST CAN'T!!

Nuts/Rocks

2010-10-23T23:36:00.000-07:00

Have been busy trying to accomplish the stuff that need to be done. I am still on that merry-go-round from the 15th. Yes, surgery is necessary.... and it's been done several times! However, that still does not make it any easier. Why? 'Cause its gonna be performed on my 18yr old baby... and I found out yesterday that it will NOT be performed by the one man that we owe an enormous debt of gratitude to! I am like a mixture of nuts and rocks... make any sense?

15th Melt-Down

2010-10-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

The Appt went just as I thought it would, although I did hope otherwise. I left her at 5 am to get to my Mothers and pick up my son Dee. His appt was at 11, but with the S.F traffic you just never know. But we got lost as usual, for about 1 1/2 hrs... finally made it there 2 hrs early. Anyway I just will skip over the stuff that doesn't count. Dee had an EKG, Dr reviewed it... and then he had an Echo.. during that test I left the room several times, because there is this flap in his Heart and it just breaks my spirit when I see/hear it. So needless to say I did the boo-hoo thing. I was feeling as though nothing was going right, cause I couldn't even Tweet the updates as I planned.. Thank God for TB.. she text, she tweeted for me, she sent words of encouragement from my TweetStars.... I adore you all~~

I know this entry is all jumbled and I apologize for that, but I will be writing about all this in depth when the time comes. Just know this.. He is 18yrs old and has lots of plastic in him that does NOT grow, it's clogged.
Nov 5th will be MRI of the Heart.... also will get fitted for the box that monitors heart just in case other things need to be fixed. Then 2weeks later we see the specialist again... and we plan the surgery. We are looking at 3-4 mos for it to take place...4 mos is pushing it tho. They want give me time to do what ever, like tie up loose ends and such. Hospital stay 10-14 days and home recuperating 4-6 weeks. I never leave my boy alone in the hospital, I will be there with him the entire time. I am exhausted just writing this bit!

The 15th is here!

2010-10-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the big day for my son Dee... we will find out if heart surgery is on the table sooner that we would like. Can't keep up but he has had 4-5 major surgeries, the first one when he was 1 week old. And a few other minor heart episodes. So as anyone would expect anxiety is visiting, but I am refusing to take my medication, cause I need to be fully aware, and the drive is gonna be a long one. Thank you all for the prayers and thoughts, I will Twitter the goings-on tomorrow... tonight is just for crying! Luv/Hug

2010-10-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, I am so freaking tired and stressed-out with anxiety... it feels like I could go on a rampage and hurt someone. I can NOT fucking sleep... I could just scream. Tomorrow morning is the last appointment with Dr. #1, she is moving on and I do not know who will be my "carer"... I should have gotten some weed to smoke!!

2010-10-08T18:37:00.000-07:00

Just found out that my son's blood sugar has tested at 142 2x today, and he has been complaining of not getting enough to drink. Since diabetes runs rampant in my family I am sick with anxiety. We have his MAJOR Cardiac appt on the 15th, and now this... my heart/ovaries feel like they are about to explode!!!!!!

2010-10-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

My computer gave out, so I had to wait for this one to be delivered.... I need to say how very much I appreciate my Benefactors, you have my love... and I have gained additional family members!! It's awesome knowing that there still is compassion in this crazy world!

2010-09-25T03:27:00.000-07:00

I have not been keeping up with my entries. I have been distracted with other things, there is a lot to sort out. I have been dealing with not being able to sleep, exhaustion of course is clouding my head, hardly can make a sound decision about anything, without changing it at least 4-5 times. Seeing Doc next week, will inform her of what I have been contemplating... with or without her approving it... I will be doing it!!

2010-09-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

My entire body is itchy.. skin crawls are beyond crazy... why do I have to suffer from this hideous interloper? I feel like skinning my own self... just not cool... not cool at all!

2010-09-14T00:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, got car back and it's rambling, I don't remember that ever being a problem with it! Nothing I can do about it at the moment. Even tho today had been pretty crappy I still felt sorta inspired to write and try to complete some lyrics.. spent a couple of hours chatting with HP, trying to resolve these stupid audio issues. Nothing has worked and I am soooo frustrated. And I simply feel like kicking someone's, anyone's AZZ!! Guess, I better pick up medication in the morning!

2010-09-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

Son's Cardi Appt has been changed to the 15th of Oct.... with this being done, I wonder if I will be able to sleep tonight! Funny tho, I am NOT experiencing less anxiety knowing tomorrow will NOT be stressful for either of us!

2010-09-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

VVV, that was a post to {xxx} not you. Who the hell do you think you are, I can post WHERE EVER I choose to do so! You don't own these boards! You are so damn condescending and truth be told.. yes, several regulars left because of you and your self righteous attitude towards others. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

2010-08-31T20:32:00.000-07:00

The last past week has been crazy, and I haven''t been able to accomplish much. My son's major medical appt is in 10 days and I am feeling the strain of anxiety taking over. With no sleep COMES no concentration! However, here's a goodie... I still have not given in and purchased any shoes!!

2010-08-23T00:02:00.000-07:00

Will be going for another shot at the labs tomorrow, am fasting. Trying to get organized for the up coming events, and am having a difficult time at it... too many distractions, not enough energy! Just ready for it all to be over with!

3 Strikes Against Me!

2010-08-19T23:33:00.000-07:00

Today was horrible, tonight is even worse! There are/was a couple of things that set my Anxiety off. I suppose the main "baddie" would be Insomnia deciding to extend it's lease option. I am now beyond exhausted... I think delirious and "insane" is where I'm at. Then there is the task of having to fast for labs tomorrow... but, the shit just gets better! How? Well, I have a raging case of PMS kicking... and just want to tear somebody's, anybody's head off!

2010-08-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

Sleepless night... again! I've been watching Film noir on Hulu, and playing Spider Solitaire! A couple of times my Sister decided that I needed to be reprimanded for "shoe surf shopping". Come on... did I NOT set my boundaries, and does she NOT know them? Because she is the oldest she believes that she is entitled to an All Access Pass... just a bully!

Sole Testing

2010-08-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

Some of this is coming from a remark my Doc made last week. She asked if I'd ever considered selling my lovely shoe collection. Yes, I have thought about doing just that... but, I can be a "coward of sorts", when it comes down to my "likes/wants/needs! It's weird, because my heart starts picking up speed at the mere suggestion! However, it's not like I feel that I will wither and die if they suddenly disappeared! Well, I have decided to compromise and NOT order any shoes for as long as I have the willpower to hold out! I was gonna say for an entire month, but I think I will take it one day at a time. And I know this will be a tempestuous tidbit, but I am allowing myself the option to continue "surf shopping"... my equivalent to window shopping! Since I have made this declaration, I am more anxious than ever... waiting for that last order to be delivered.

Stimuliacal? Is made-up by me!

2010-08-17T07:22:00.000-07:00

I originally decided to make a "significant" entry about a Friend's "mental" issue. But then I got side-tracked and a bit lost. Not quite sure, but I think my eyes may have glazed-over, right after my salivary glands went into over-drive. These selfish stimuliacal, distractions can be attributed to a pOp uP email that I received, regarding another shoe order!

2010-08-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

Let me see... is there anything to report on. Last Thursday was my Doc appt, and I was given new meds to try out ...While it's only been a few days, I am to call in today to inform the Doc if meds are a help to me in any way. And of course they are NOT, well, as far as I can tell they are NOT, cause I am still hella sleepy and can't get any rest!! Ohh yeah, I am to have a battery of blood work done this week... providing I can fast. Ain't this always the way, my crazy-ass sore throat/neck pains are healing themselves... they could have hung around for a couple of more days to aid me in what I believe is "inhuman" treatment!! My stomach doesn't like to be cheated/abused/tricked!

2010-08-12T01:48:00.000-07:00

So tired and irritated from lack of sleep. In just a few hours I will be facing the Psych Doc, wonder how that is gonna go! I guess I should/will spill the beans about my Lovely Shoes prob..should I be embarrassed?

Dark Tunnel

2010-08-10T00:11:00.000-07:00

Since it's almost tomorrow I thought I should post today's feelings. As usual I have been "living" with back to back episodes of insomnia, which I think is increasing . Today I had a melt-down, I was informed by my sister "Jan Brady" that my son was now a working man. He has scored a job watering the neighbor's plants while she is away for a couple of weeks. My son Dee never mentioned this to me, so of course I felt out of the loop. Actually, I felt more than that... it was a particular sadness that made me cry {crying now}. I once again am reminded that I have failed my boy, and myself. Instead of praising and concentrating on the fact that he is accomplishing something or that he is excited about his employment, I crashed into the side of that damn dark tunnel.. the tunnel that I lost our home to! Why equate his job to us losing our home? I will never forgive myself for us being split up, and not having OUR home!!

2010-08-09T05:43:00.000-07:00

I have done it again, some shoes will be delivered next week, 7+ 4 pairs... I wonder if there is a cure for this disease! Maybe I should just become a Cobbler!!

2010-08-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

The migraine has finally given-up its torturous reign, yet insomnia is still on the throne! Since I have been feeling better, I decided to work on my side "project". Although staying focus has definitely been a challenge, one that I have failed repeatedly, I still managed to upload some stuff. Distractions are all around me, but I have resisted the biggest of them all... I have not ordered any shoes!

2010-08-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

I have been battling this migraine for the 2nd day now. I am exhausted from the vomiting and I am starving. If I'm NOT graced with relief soon, I shall make my way to the ER!! Anxiety has increased to the point where meds are NOT helping, and of course I am unable to sleep much. Besides the pain, staying hydrated is becoming an issue, sweating profusely... and am concerned for my kid, cause he is fretting over his mommy! Can NOT have him upset!!!!!!

Lovely Shoe Fairy Will Deliver Today

2010-07-30T05:53:00.000-07:00

Waiting anxiously for my shoe delivery, of course there has been NO sleep... but I don't want to focus on that. I hope the Lovely Shoe Fairy will be kind, and make them a perfect fit! If all goes well, I will be ordering more, I've already picked them out !!

2010-07-28T02:05:00.000-07:00

Another sleepless night and I am bitter! I have done laundry, played cards, tracked my shoes to Alaska and read 6 chapters of one of my many favorite books, I Claudius... and I still cannot drift off. I think the opposite of the Sleep Fairy has it in for me, the ole bitch!

Sleep N Meds Woes

2010-07-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

Nothing going on really. I think I may be having issues with my medication, so on Friday I will bring them up at my Dr. appointment... excessive perspiring ain't cool at all. I have been extremely tired the last few days, the only sleeping patterns I have been able to establish is a 3hr one, if I am lucky to even get that, or sometimes I'm blessed with a all day sleep coma. I'm guessing that neither is good for me!!!

2010-07-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

Got lots of stuff to do this week, and am already tired. I did install a new battery in my car... all by myself this weekend, but still in need of a Tune-Up... hoping to find a "straight" place to take it to! Am missing my son terribly, and it's getting harder to deal with... those feelings of guilt are threatening to take over and I am trying to stay focus on what I want/need to accomplish, for... it will only benefit my family! Now, as far as the Bipolar issues... well I have ordered 4 more pairs of shoes... from China. Yes, I know what this looking like, but hey, lovely shoes have always been a weakness! And another yes... I do get a high from shoe shopping, it makes me "happy". The third yes... umm, totals up to 11 pairs within a month... I think!

2010-07-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

Had an anxiety attack, feeling very overwhelmed! I received a call from the hospital where my son had/has his heart surgeries. It's time to go in! I am terrified because he has grown so much since the last surgery, and for the last 3yrs, there has been some troubles/issues/concerns regarding his health. Boy, today just sort of slapped me backwards. I still have not had any sleep and I do NOT know how I will recover!!

2010-07-15T02:46:00.000-07:00

Still NO sleep and I am bored! I have looked at so many pairs of shoes online hoping that my eyes would tire-out enough to trick my brain or the other way around... guess there is nothing more to say, except.... I am sleepy!!!!!!!!!!

2010-07-14T02:28:00.000-07:00

Feeling really depressed and the effects of insomnia. I've been thinking of the home I lost and how much it meant to my son. I always have a difficult time dealing when it comes to my son's unhappiness, to the point of actually being unable to cope... almost! I am guilt ridden, and I have to make amends, I've got to get him another home. And for the sake of my own "sanity", that home will have to materialize fairly... quickly!

What Price Will I Pay... To Walk Steadily In My New Stilettos?

2010-07-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

Going to see someone tomorrow.. that I may or may NOT pay to abuse me verbally, as I try to execute some serious exercise moves!! Since I am NOT one to accept "rough" talk from anyone, I think I will be thinking of shoes to get me thru his/her "audition". Ohh yeah... I will be sweatier than some {one, thang's} NUT-SACK... jus sayin!!

2010-07-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

Not a great idea to run out of medication. I have been trying to stay to myself this weekend, because of the perpetual overtaking of Anxiety, I am feeling a bit combative. However, in my defense I think that there are some folks that are instigating this aggressive behavior. In any case... tomorrow I will be ordering those little "helpers" and just maybe I can get back onto the road that I want to be on.

2010-07-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

Haven't been sleeping much at all. Today I decided NOT to attend my Dr's. appt... was simply too tired to do so. I know, not a good idea... especially since I am completely out of medication. So what am I to do? Well, I am gonna sit here patiently and await the arrival of the 6 or 7 pairs of shoes that I ordered... to be delivered this afternoon.

On One!!

2010-07-06T00:08:00.000-07:00

Nothing really to talk about, just feeling a bit giddy... so I will post what I said over at a friends forum. Of course since it came from me, I think it's hilarious... but that's just me.

Now, I must go and repent for all the nasty/tasteless... remarks/jokes/comments I have made today! But before I do that, can I just say in my defense, that the heat in Cali is absurd and has gotten to me! Coupled with Insomnia and the many, many, other maladies that I have been bestowed... yes, some {real}, and some {imagined}... I think I should be easily forgiven, for I recognize my sins and I too suffer! I suffer right now, as I wipe the sweat from my TaTa's, they are sweatier than the Devil's nut-sack!

Sleep N Shoes

2010-07-05T04:53:00.000-07:00

Another sleepless night!! I have no idea of how many hours/days I have been awake. I've got to get this insomnia under control... soon! I'm so so tired and am starting to sound like a robot, like someone else is feeding me lines and I am reciting them very poorly. Anxiety is rising, yet the weirdest thing about that is, I get a little calmer when I surf/shop for SHOES! I have always been a foot decorating gal, but this seems different. It's almost like a survival tactic. That's the only way I can explain it... as if my life depends on the soles of my feet!!

2010-06-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, I said something was brewing... my car blew up on me today while I was on my way home! I am stranded at my Mother's house, the car had to be towed to a garage. Right now, life is really sucking. I am so freaking irritated, I COULD EXPLODE!!!

2010-06-28T04:54:00.000-07:00

Not even 45 minuets of sleep... and I'm soooo tired, can't see straight! This is gonna be a long and difficult day. Oh yeah! It's burning up already, I hate the heat.

2010-06-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

Gee, I didn't realize that it's been almost a week since my last post! I've been having up/down spells. Really just feeling like I don't want to do anything, or be bothered by/with anyone. The last few days kinda seem as though they merged into one long irritating, stand-still. My thoughts have been dominated with dread, and doom... like there is something that is trying it's best to manifest, and I want no part of it! I have been known to accurately prophesize... unfortunately, it's usually been about negative occurrences. The chips just keep on stacking, what a fucking pain!!

Tuesday's Truths

2010-06-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

It's 12:30pm and I am exhausted/anxious. I slept about 5hrs last night and my day started at 5am. Right now I could curl up into a ball and drift off... atleast I feel as though I can... actually falling asleep is never as simple as that... for me! One good piece of news, my designer shoes were delivered today and I am very happy with them. I've long had a shoe addiction... socks, Coca-Cola, purses, books are on that list, also!

2010-06-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

So far today has been okay. I'm just a little tired, not enough sleep as usual. I have been coming up with some different ideas to help the creativity side of me. I'm pursuing some old hobbies, hoping to make them work for me! I also will be joining Curves this week, to combat any weight-gain that the meds might force upon me. I refuse to have a mental disorders and become chunky, too!

2010-06-18T03:08:00.000-07:00

Another non-sleeping night... and I am frustrated/bored. There are plenty of things that I can do, like working on my new project, sort through paperwork, research. But I'm just not in the mood, and I think it's gonna be a bit rough for a few days. I think the doc said that it was a possibility for this to occur within the first two weeks, and I have just hit the second one! I don't know... something does feel WAY off.

2010-06-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I was told that I choose to have this raging 'mental disorder'. That comment was a serious shock-wave, one that is still coursing through my soul... some 5hrs later. I don't even want to write/think about it.

2010-06-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

It's only Monday and I feel restless/anxious, a bit ticked off. Besides blaming it on my medication/disorder, I can't find a reason for all this internal chaos. Today is not a good day, and I wish it were over already!!

Some Things That I Hate, That Shouldn't Matter ~~~~Ongoing List

2010-06-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

1) When someone decides to change the spelling on Shit to Chit, as if that makes it more acceptable.

2) Unripened fruit of any kind.

3) Seeing a BIG ass TODDLER groping it's Mommy's tit-tay.

4) When my sister constantly asks "What did they do" while watching the same damn movie, that I am watching!

5) Allstate Roadside Assistance, I waited 4hrs on the Hwy with a shredded tire.

6) Jack Rabbit towing, their tow truck broke down, yet they failed to notify me 2hrs into my wait. They Suck!!

7) People telling me that I have "high expectations" instead of acknowledging my "mania".

8) Back Cleavage and Camel Toes... on anyone!

9) Any sentence that starts with "The fact of the matter is" or "Here's the thing"... Ugg!!
10) When there is a heavy breather at the dinner table.

2010-06-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

Feeling sorta exhausted today, and I have NOT done a thing. I started some new medication last night and my sleep was excellent. But it's always like that in the beginning. I believe I have a very [un] natural high tolerance when it comes to medication dosages. Either that or my body/mind just likes to fight through it... maybe my orneriness extends to that.

2010-06-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I finished my 3rd Jade Goody book. I won't go into detail, just google her name... but I highly recommend any/every one to read her story. Very inspiring, sad, peaceful and some necessary lessons for those that want to learn. All may not agree, and that's okay! She and I had nothing in common, except Motherhood... but that alone is/was... enough.

2010-06-06T15:28:00.000-07:00

This past weekend has been great! I've done quite a bit of things that I ordinarily would NOT attempt. Well... maybe attempt, just NOT follow through with them. I have been a little homesick from time to time, but doesn't everyone get that way? Looking forward to tomorrow!

2010-06-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

Mania has persisted and I have not resisted. I'm traveling to a different State today, time for something new and refreshing. I am looking forward to possibly finding a place/home that will suit me and ALL my "me's"! I'm feeling pretty damn good at the moment, even if the rest of my family think I'm nutz for this[ad]venture!

2010-06-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

Still going strong on no sleep. It's a good thing that I haven't much to do away from home today. Come to think of it, it's Jan Brady's Birthday (my middle sister). Guess I'll text a lil message to her, maybe try to take a nap in a couple of hours. It's gonna be really hard to turn off, wonder if these Wasabi Peas that I've become addicted to are giving me some-kind of extra energy!?!

Today My Ovaries Are Given A Little Freedom

2010-06-03T03:17:00.000-07:00

Have been up all night due to Insomnia/Mania. My creative juices are flowing and with the help of my lovely friends, I am taking advantage of this moment... in the form of launching a new venture with some old scribbling. I'm going to follow it through to make good things happen and not second guess myself/ideas! I know the manic phase can be just as restraining/oppressive as depression, only in a different capacity... but it feels so damn good to WANT to LIVE!!

2010-06-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

Although my previous post was missed-published, it pretty much still applies... just for different reasons! Or atleast I know the source of the extreme anxiety attack I had not long ago. And to be honest, it doesn't help knowing the cause... not for this one. Still shaky and walking in a daze!

2010-06-02T05:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't left the house yet, and I can already feel The Burn of Today! I laid here for 30 mins trying to psych myself out, trying to convince myself that today is just like any other day... because it is. Only, my mind/feelings/emotions/and the rest, seem to be speaking to one another and have decided to gang up on Me. I think I like them better when they are Not getting along...

Is Nother A Word

2010-06-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

This morning started off fine, at least I felt that way... now a whole nother ball game is starting... high anxiety and it's just 1pm! I've got three more hours to put in here, then a long drawn out commute. I have no friggin (Ireallywanttosayfucking) idea on how I will cope, just want to explode and explode fast! Ups and downs a whole nother...

2010-05-28T21:13:00.000-07:00

Thats all I can do, if its not good enough... so be it. I only can and am working on me... its a daily struggle just to commit to living, and I have!!

Yesterday's Infamous Tweet ~~condensed

2010-05-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as I drove out to my mother's house, I started thinking about all the things I've been going through and what can actually be done to fix this "bloody mess" of a life. Now, I think I was coming off/down from my therapy session from the previous Thursday, so I will say that I may have been a little pumped, from all that REFLECTING jazz. By the time I made it to mom's I felt sure I had come to a resolution, and I would announce it to the world. I sat down and took mother back down memory lane, to my "songwriting" days. I'd written a song for the one and only Prince, and was determined to get those lyrics into his wizard-like hands. Now, mind you mother was very encouraging, in fact she was my proof-reader/critic/inspiration. Needless to say his "people" said that he couldn't use them. So yesterday I decided that my Bipolar-ism was caused by this traumatic event, so I announced it on Twitter against my mother's advice. Now she is concerned that I will be sued by HIM. I told her, "What is he gonna sue for?" What can he get, I've lost my home, no job and no money?" Remember, you can't get blood from a turnip, Mother! She said "No baby you can't, but you've got one hell of a high heeled shoe collection... in storage!"

The Beef Jerky Crisis~~She Writes Blog

2010-05-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

As I lay here watching the end of The Tudors, a stick of beef jerky catches my eye. A little kid came by earlier selling the jerky for a dollar to raise money for his church. I decided to be kind and donate the buck. Well, that purchase has haunted me, for I got the idea in my head that somehow it is poisoned. That someone, maybe the boy's father stuck a syringe filled with an awful substance through the protective wrapping, stabbing the meat. This thought is bugging the hell out of me. On one hand I want to clear my head and toss the Jerky into the trash, yet, I feel as though that would be giving in to my neurotic fears. Also, shouldn't I have more faith in my fellow man? I think for now, I shall play it safe and leave it be. And eat some grapes instead, as I watch The Ten Commandments.

God/Jesus/V. Mary/Prince

2010-05-21T19:20:00.000-07:00

I decided too share my dreams with my mother one morning. I had two of them back to back consisting of Jesus.. and the Virgin Mary. I won't go into too much of the details, but with the Jesus dream, it was like a end of the world 'war' going on and I found a book, instantly thinking that I should take it to the Disciples. When I approached them they started attacking me, while Jesus watched from a kitchen window. He then came out and reprimanded them and took my hand, and healed my finger. Now, the dream with the Virgin Mary, I was outside looking up at the sky and someone appeared, I got the feeling that it was God. A few minutes later, Mary and Jesus appeared and displayed a huge cross in the clouds, then the cross turned into Rosary Beads. I've had dreams like this before so I wasn't spooked, just wanted my mother's thought on this. Well, she gave it to me, and I was expecting something different. "You need to get yourself right with Spirit/God/Jesus!" Now, that pissed me off because I am a very spiritual person and she knows that. So I started flashing back to the "Holy Oil incident", which still has me miffed. But I then asked why she suggested that, her answer..."Because of all your cursing". Let's be for real, I got it honestly from her, and it's been curbed lately. Anyway, I decided to take that on the chin, but could not resist nettling her a bit. So, I asked her what else should I do, start a bonfire and chuck all my worldly goods in! Should I start with my favorite Russian Red lipstick, and then follow that up with my hard-bound copy of Dante's Inferno? Still not good enough? Next, I offered up all my Prince paraphernalia/photos/albums, especially the one where he's wearing the little black bikini underwear. Should all that genius burn like someone's gonorrhea infected genitalia? Is that the way to square myself with the Lord? Or should I ask to be anointed with your highly guarded "Olive Juice of Gold"? She said, might as well... it can't hurt. On that note, I hurled some more sarcasm. I have a confession to make regarding that Dirty Mind album photo. I superimposed my face onto Prince's head. Which head... I will leave that up to your guessing and imagination!

myself/others

2010-05-20T11:17:00.000-07:00

Today is not the same as any other day... it's worse and I feel as though I want it all to be over with. I'm sick of the crying spells and the alienation that the "Bitch" likes to hand out freely. I will be seeing my therapist in a couple of hours and I'm not quite sure what the hell is gonna come tumbling out this gob of mine. No doubt there'll be plenty of truths... but what about the dreaded question I will be asked? "Are you feeling like you want to harm yourself or others?" Well........... Look at these swollen red-ass eyes of mine.... and tell me WHAT you THINK I feel like doing to myself and others!

Demo Here?

2010-05-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

I always thought that when you love someone, you don't abandon them in their time of need! Guess I was way off base on that urban myth. Who would of thought that life could be filled to the brim with such indignant behavior/words/thoughts/feeling...and not from strangers, but from family.And yet, I'm NOT entitled to voice a damn thing! Some democracy we got going here!

Shit Slap

2010-05-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

Roller-coaster is not the word that can truly describe what I am feeling. I've had a panic attack or two, I think stemming from the fact that my son's blood pressure is high... due to his heart defect. Of course I am in a state of anxiety because I can NOT deal with another heart surgery at the moment. But I can NOT abide seeing/hearing him huffing and puffing while walking up 10 stairs. Boy, when life slaps you... it slaps the SHIT out of you!

2010-05-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

This morning's commute wasn't so bad, although I had to pass my former home, which sort of sent shivers through-out my stomach. I am determined to get over this one way or another, I've come up with numerous ideas on how I can. And it's all going to be done in the name of my son... I owe him so much that it kills me that I have screwed up so badly I literally die a little, when the thoughts refuse to vacate.

Some Things That I Hate, That Shouldn't Matter ~~~Ongoing List

2010-05-10T23:44:00.000-07:00

1) The use of "bling" in any conversation, description or fashion.
2) The over-use of "haters"... hate the game, not the player.
3) Middle age folks trying to be trendy.
4) When someone's tongue unfolds like a rug, when they open their mouth to eat.
5) Loud talkers.
6) Feet/toes.
7) People that say Frankfurter instead of Hot Dog... yeah I know they are 2 different wieners.. still don't like it.
8) Canned meat of any kind.

2010-05-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

This morning has been trying, panic/anxiety attacks started at 12:30am, when I realized that I had to rise and shine at 5am. I obsessed about the approaching hour, and in returned could not sleep. I am so tired of every-thing being a challenge. What happened to my life, what happened to me?

2010-05-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

I'm worn out , and I feel as though I am walking on eggshells. The anxiety is extremely coarse today and I want out of this misery!

2010-05-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

A Computer problem IS a hell in it's self! I can't live without mine, and it's not behaving the way it should. This has completely derailed any good feelings that I may have been in possession of today. Yes, I know such a thing should not cause pain/anger/resentment, but it does... and it's toying with my vibe.