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Monday, November 30, 2009

A little over three weeks ago I dashed out the house to get a few items at the store. As I was walking into the store my cellphone rings and it's my sister. She asked what I was doing this morning, I told her. Then she says "So how are you feeling"? I think she was trying to be casual about it, but I sensed a little concern in her voice. Maybe she was just hesitating, I really don't know. But my response sort of freaked her out. I said, "I could just tear somebody's FUCKING HEAD OFF"!!!

I don't know where that came from, but it was true. I have never been a violent person, yet, the rage I felt at that moment is really indescribable. So of course the standard questions were asked. Was I upset over something, did I take my medication? Well the answers were No, Yes. I think at that very moment she finally understood, or perhaps came to grips with the magnitude of this crazy ass war. It's a battle day end and day out.

There are times when I'm feeling just fine, going about my day. And then a wave of suppression/oppression will decide to vacation in my heart/soul/mind. The feeling that nothing will ever be alright again. Yes, the feeling of just wanting the pain to stop, the feeling of wanting to die. It literally is like a deep black whole, sucking you in. I'm telling you... to wake in the middle of the night, feeling that way, is enough to make you feel like you're losing it. And that's just 1 facet of it. Hell... Depression /Anxiety has more elements than the Periodic Table.


  1. I read your blog a very good start to a great novel will visit again soon.This seems like good therapy for all of your issues .Write something today M

  2. M,

    Thank you for the compliment and support. I will try to write as much as my mind will give me, and as long as the notion to do so, comes forth. I have decided that it is a necessary Evil to embrace the afflictions.... wicked, wicked DM is rising.