Hitting the Road... again!

It has been a while since I jotted down my struggles & triumphs with/over the Bitch and her Bastards. So much has been going on that honestly, if I took the time to do just that, I'd never have time for anything or anyone else. I mean, let's be real... I have been a virtual Servant to my damn family for the last 6-7 months, with no time for ME! However, this week I am resigning from that unpaid occupation for GOOD! In these past months... the bitch Depression and her bastards have tortured me to no end. Every day Anxiety made fun of me and all my thoughts... why? Because I thought I was doing the right thing, by being a "good" daughter/granddaughter... an Unappreciated one.

We Shall See

Just been reminded that I have an appt tomorrow with a new counselor/therapist or something like that. So I'm faced with that dreaded tricky thought... how much do I tell, how much of the truth should be given when asked those  "loony" detecting questions!? As I have been forthcoming and honest here, I think I may just direct her attention to my words. Honestly, I'm not in the mood for anyone to be judgmental/condescending to me or my worries/fears/thoughts/pain! I know I will not respond positively to that, if it's hurled my way. So anyways... I've got many hours to contemplate what this appt will bring to my life. And yes, of course I'm aiming for a good outcome, pretty desperate for one these days!!

Foolish Re-Gifter

WOWWEE, ZOWWEE.... I've just had a Tarot reading , and I am blown away. Yes, I am a believer in  spiritual/transcendental/medium/metaphysical... "activities"!!  At one point in my life I was the chief dream interpretor in my circle, also a predictor, but it all became too much for me... I had to shake it, "if" I wanted to live!!! I'm thinking now, it was a poor choice on my part... a very foolish re-gifter... I am!!!

No News

Let's see... I am still feeling unwell and super tired in spirit. I was going to try to write a "piece" for my really good friend's site this evening. However, settling on a topic has been problematic because there is so much in me that needs to be said, yet... IT or I refuses to allow it to completely come forth. I'm kind of thinking that this is some sort of coping mechanism. However, if it is... why now? I mean, I assumed that for years I had been very accomplished in/at the "sport" of releasing my thoughts/beliefs/words. Yes, I have notebooks/scraps of paper/copy-written material/disks~ floppy's/Cd's galore upholding that testament. Mind you... I'm not saying it's all worth reading/owning/claiming, but it IS me expressing! Not being fully able to do so now, is somewhat ludicrous, and very unappealing. And I will not stand for it! Well, maybe I will.... just for the weekend!

Just A Jot For Mon

Just a quick jot... this morning started off with a panic attack, medication didn't do much for me. I tried to just get/stay busy with cleaning. In the process, I guess I inadvertently washed my cellphone right along with the dishes. Of course I didn't notice until 2 hours later, when I became alarmed that my son hadn't called yet. So, I had to go and spend money on a new phone, money that I needed to hang on to. Having to do that sent me buck wild. I'm thinking that it upset me because, it was not in my plans for the day, and the fact remained that I still had to wait hours before speaking to my kid. Why? Because I do not know anyone's phone number by heart.... Just my own!!

That Pink Elephant

Do you have thoughts of harming yourself or anyone else? Well, yes I do... thank you for asking.  I have/will be asked this over and over again. I know it's part of the program, but I still wonder if I should reveal the truth. I say this because, I can see a change in the people around me. At least they seem to be walking on egg shells, trying not to look or act as if I might flip the hell out at any moment. Am I being paranoid, just imagining this? Don't think so!!! When I went to pick up my prescriptions... I even caught the Pharmacist looking at me apprehensively as he leaned in over the counter, and said "Did the Doctor explain what this is for"?  Ahhh, yes~...  I mean... come on... I'm not about to slash my wrist right here in Walmart.

For the record I'm not making lite of this horrific subject, it's just that the thought has crossed my mind, more than I'd like to admit. It's a reality... I have to deal with it the best way I can. I don't think a day has gone by since I was diagnosed, that the "Impostor of Salvation" didn't try to win me over. To be honest, there were times when I WAS seriously afraid and didn't trust  myself ! Once, I thought how easy it would be to just ram my car into the back of a semi-truck, but... I didn't want anyone else getting hurt. Another time I was so despondent over my life, the circumstances surrounding my home, that I actually took a notebook and wrote out my Will. Then... to my unexpected surprise/horror/laughter, I discovered I had NO Life Insurance Policy up to date, to leave my son. Ha!!

The way I see it is... if I am still concerned about the life of others, then... I haven't been fully transported to the dark-side. These 2 thoughts constantly circulate.. 

**I know it's NOT a way out.
**It goes against my Spiritual Beliefs.
BUT....
Never the less...The Elephant IS in The Room