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Monday, December 7, 2009

That Pink Elephant

Do you have thoughts of harming yourself or anyone else? Well, yes I do... thank you for asking.  I have/will be asked this over and over again. I know it's part of the program, but I still wonder if I should reveal the truth. I say this because, I can see a change in the people around me. At least they seem to be walking on egg shells, trying not to look or act as if I might flip the hell out at any moment. Am I being paranoid, just imagining this? Don't think so!!! When I went to pick up my prescriptions... I even caught the Pharmacist looking at me apprehensively as he leaned in over the counter, and said "Did the Doctor explain what this is for"?  Ahhh, yes~...  I mean... come on... I'm not about to slash my wrist right here in Walmart.

For the record I'm not making lite of this horrific subject, it's just that the thought has crossed my mind, more than I'd like to admit. It's a reality... I have to deal with it the best way I can. I don't think a day has gone by since I was diagnosed, that the "Impostor of Salvation" didn't try to win me over. To be honest, there were times when I WAS seriously afraid and didn't trust  myself ! Once, I thought how easy it would be to just ram my car into the back of a semi-truck, but... I didn't want anyone else getting hurt. Another time I was so despondent over my life, the circumstances surrounding my home, that I actually took a notebook and wrote out my Will. Then... to my unexpected surprise/horror/laughter, I discovered I had NO Life Insurance Policy up to date, to leave my son. Ha!!

The way I see it is... if I am still concerned about the life of others, then... I haven't been fully transported to the dark-side. These 2 thoughts constantly circulate.. 

**I know it's NOT a way out.
**It goes against my Spiritual Beliefs.
Never the less...The Elephant IS in The Room


  1. and also, if you had a two million, zillion quadrupal frillion dollar life insuance policy for your son to inherit, if you offed yourself, he wouldn't get paid. cent, from one depressed person to another...Don't let the bastard win! You have a beautiful love for others, (I can sense it on the blog) Take some of that love and give unconditionally to yourself. You deserve it damn it.

  2. Thank You, I do try to show love and compassion as much as possible. However, those two attributes have played a part in this never ending cycle. But, it is in my nature, I'm learning how to control it, and not let others drain me, as they have done in the past. There were too many takers, and not enough givers in my life.

  3. Wow, I was just reading some of your other entries and came back here and you had already commented I left some other comments on some of your other stuff. PEACE methinks

  4. Takers suck! In the long run however, It's usually the takers that get the opportunity to look back in hindsight and say to themselves.."Shit, what the fuck did I do that to her for...she gave a shit and I fucked it all up"! thats when that sweet feeling of revenge steps up and screams's okay, you didn't hurt me..but get the fuck outa' my face anyway!" It's my personal opinion, and it comes from experience that second chances are reserved only for male offspring, not boyfriends, husbands and other male species in general...unless of course it's my idea. moo methinks

  5. much thanks to you. these are words to live by when refering to the opposite sex.

  6. Men are men... some not too bright, some just alright... maybe for just one night!!

  7. I'll have to remember that one! I'm turning the lights off in ten seconds cuz' if I don't I'll sit here another half a night unable to sleep. Since I turned fifty last august, I don't think I've had a decent night sleep. My mother was like that too. can't relax, and hate to lay there pretending. Goodnight cent, I'ts been a pretty good day.