Do you have thoughts of harming yourself or anyone else? Well, yes I do... thank you for asking. I have/will be asked this over and over again. I know it's part of the program, but I still wonder if I should reveal the truth. I say this because, I can see a change in the people around me. At least they seem to be walking on egg shells, trying not to look or act as if I might flip the hell out at any moment. Am I being paranoid, just imagining this? Don't think so!!! When I went to pick up my prescriptions... I even caught the Pharmacist looking at me apprehensively as he leaned in over the counter, and said "Did the Doctor explain what this is for"? Ahhh, yes~... I mean... come on... I'm not about to slash my wrist right here in Walmart.
For the record I'm not making lite of this horrific subject, it's just that the thought has crossed my mind, more than I'd like to admit. It's a reality... I have to deal with it the best way I can. I don't think a day has gone by since I was diagnosed, that the "Impostor of Salvation" didn't try to win me over. To be honest, there were times when I WAS seriously afraid and didn't trust myself ! Once, I thought how easy it would be to just ram my car into the back of a semi-truck, but... I didn't want anyone else getting hurt. Another time I was so despondent over my life, the circumstances surrounding my home, that I actually took a notebook and wrote out my Will. Then... to my unexpected surprise/horror/laughter, I discovered I had NO Life Insurance Policy up to date, to leave my son. Ha!!
The way I see it is... if I am still concerned about the life of others, then... I haven't been fully transported to the dark-side. These 2 thoughts constantly circulate..
**I know it's NOT a way out.
**It goes against my Spiritual Beliefs.
Never the less...The Elephant IS in The Room