Today was a reminder that no matter how much time has passed... certain things remain painful and too powerful to ignore! These "things" some were created by me, while in addition I allowed others to prosper from them. I just gave and gave... but never to myself... it would seem! And in a way, I still am giving... although I am all tapped out... some actively search out the tiny... droplets!

Dark Tunnel

Since it's almost tomorrow I thought I should post today's feelings. As usual I have been "living" with back to back episodes of insomnia, which I think is increasing . Today I had a melt-down, I was informed by my sister "Jan Brady" that my son was now a working man. He has scored a job watering the neighbor's plants while she is away for a couple of weeks. My son Dee never mentioned this to me, so of course I felt out of the loop. Actually, I felt more than that... it was a particular sadness that made me cry {crying now}. I once again am reminded that I have failed my boy, and myself. Instead of praising and concentrating on the fact that he is accomplishing something or that he is excited about his employment, I crashed into the side of that damn dark tunnel.. the tunnel that I lost our home to! Why equate his job to us losing our home? I will never forgive myself  for us being split up, and not having OUR home!!

I haven't left the house yet, and I can already feel The Burn of Today! I laid here for 30 mins trying to psych myself out, trying to convince myself that today is just like any other day... because it is. Only, my mind/feelings/emotions/and the rest, seem to be speaking to one another and have decided to gang up on Me. I think I like them better when they are Not getting along...

Some Things That I Hate, That Shouldn't Matter ~~~Ongoing List

1) The use of "bling" in any conversation, description or fashion.
2) The over-use of "haters"... hate the game, not the player.
3) Middle age folks trying to be trendy.
4) When someone's tongue unfolds like a rug, when they open their mouth to eat.
5) Loud talkers.
6) Feet/toes.
7) People that say Frankfurter instead of Hot Dog... yeah I know they are 2 different wieners.. still don't like it.
8) Canned meat of any kind.

Lock-up The Remains

Was hoping that the remaining  hours would somehow/way change the course of my thoughts/feelings. That hope has been banished to the the closet with the rest of the words that are meant to inspire/evoke positive outcomes/progress. At least for today/tonight, I will have no choice but to lock that door! Why? Because a headache has appeared... and the more I try to concentrate on the "positive", the sadder/depressed/angrier and unsure of life I become!!

Between only receiving 4 hours off non restful sleep, and this chest cold is really becoming an "ugly" thing. Lying awake, trying to force yourself to drift off, is like having lit firecrackers draped from your ears. Then... with any and every fucking thought merrily popping out and around your mind....  Kaboom! Will it ever end? This is kind of weird but... I believe what also pains me, is the fact that my beloved world of ancient history/books/movies has been  neglected.  So much so... that I feel ashamed/angry and some-what despondent about this truth. Once again, will this ever end?

I can feel this pit full of annoyance, outrage, disgust, rapidly bubbling inside of my body.  I can not even answer the phone for fear of flying off the handle. My mind is so freaking preoccupied with too much damn bullshit. I just wish that I could float away somewhere, just for a little while, nowhere far, nowhere in particular. God, I am angry... and I'm not quite sure why!!

Wow, I have been dreading and waiting for this day. I have to be out my home on Monday. How do I feel, what is going through my mind? Well, at the moment not much, and I have no idea why I'm not flipping out, I could just be numb! This may be shocking, but there's a sense of peace. How long that will last, is anyone's guess. If I had to predict, I'd say... give it a few hours, depending on what activities I engage in, meanwhile. So with that, I shall attempt to keep on keeping on. Save the melt-down for bedtime, maybe it'll help with the insomnia, cry myself to sleep!

Haven't I ?

Here it is 2 am, I am tired and weary. Just got some unsettling news from my husband. Kick me when I'm down, then grind your damn heel in my ass... why don't you. I can not believe that life is dishing out, all this, my way! All I ever wanted was to maintain a happy, prosperous life. Well, it seems as though fate has decided to lock-down my present with a chain of misfortune. I mean really, who do you have to fuck in order to catch a break in this lifetime? Lets see, I'm battling Bipolar-ism, have lost my home, can't find a job, 1/4 of my waking hours are spent thinking about death, I'm tormented by guilt, I've convinced myself that I am a bad mother, and I have a tremendously painful sore in my nose! I'm just saying... haven't I suffered enough?

G U T

Headache is still lurking about, nothing seems to work. I've had migraines before, this does not feel like one at all. Could be plain old stress, at this point I am under a tremendous amount. Flipping that aside... I have been feeling anxious off and on, but the evil bugger has not attacked. This weekend I've got to make some very serious decisions in regards to my life and family. I know it's going to be difficult, painful and unsettling... but there is no way out of it, especially if I want to live a life with the potential of experiencing more Joy than Sorrow!! Giddy Up Time.

The Day Ends

Trying to relax, very hard day!! Had 2 really intense ANXIETY attacks, one at the Vet's office. Although my cat's infection isn't contagious, she still looks horrible. I was on the verge of taking her to the animal shelter, I didn't think I would be able to cope with all this. I just feel so sad about it all. So much is going on at the moment, sometimes my life/thoughts/feelings get all tangled. Just tired... but STILL trying!!!

Uncalled For

It's very early in the morning, or extremely late...  depending on how you look at it... I haven't been to sleep yet. Insomnia has been overactive, even though I've been sick for the past 3 weeks. I must have purchased some diluted Nyquil. I'm thinking now is the time to get that Ambien prescription filled. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and have some of that "Tiger Woods' Crazy-Ass Ambien Sex",... without the swinging side effects, heee heee!!!
Enough...  I'm delirious.

Daa! Daa! Daa! Daaaa!

The day started out with a Anxiety attack, before I even climbed out the bed. I believe it was the result of a vivid dream I was having. Anyways, it took some time to JUST cross to the CENTER of The Bridge of Calm. In fact it seems like hours went by before I felt myself gaining control of my emotions. Later in the day, I got a call about doing some business Downtown. I dreaded leaving the house and having to deal with a Government Agency/Employees. Yet, to my surprise the clerks were very lovely and caring, I made 2 new friends. The Lord must have heard my prayers, or took pity. I left there with a new sense of humanity, hope was actually BoUnCiNg  all around me.  Then..... Daa! Daa! Daa! Daaaaa!

By 4:30 pm, I had crashed, everything/everyone just got on my damn nerves. I couldn't answer the phone without irritation, thinking straight... was out the picture, and the tears flowed. I was exhausted, beaten-down, angry, and confused, unable to function. The "goodness" of the afternoon, seemed to be fantasy footage!!

Back On

Am back on medicines today and I suppose it was Divine intervention. Because some things occurred, words were said, ugliness was descending... lets just say someone had an Angel or two chaperoning them... and that someone was NOT necessarily ME!!! However, a ***bright*** array of clouds saw fit to dance my way.  I was able to have an overdue visit with a very special pal. The other half of  Dynamic Duo Of Delusions. More to come regarding the Duo.

You Never Know

How to claw your way out of Depression, Bi-polar-ism, Anxiety... and any other mental/emotional pit you can think of. Jeez, I wish I had the answers, I'd give them away free of charge, so no one would have to have my experience. It's forever touch and go with me, it's a everyday praying fest, its a "hypnotic" hoping for a "good" day trance. Many would say, what's wrong with that (the prayer bit)? Well, it's a prayer of a different kind, I want to say it's like a prayer for a loved one when it seems all hope is lost, or they may be in danger somehow. I'll come clean and say it... most won't... it's like A Death Bed Prayer. And to be honest, sometimes the recipient changes, you just never know.

No Title, No Sense

Fell asleep by 10:30 pm and was awaken at around 1am. I knew that I would not be sleeping soundly, and that once I woke, I would be hard pressed to find a glint of comfort... for being allowed to receive another day.   Why? Because my problems are still here and NO favorable solution is on it's way to me. I swear, I'd rather be subjected to Mr. Gordon Ramsey's tyrannical abuse, than to have a repeat of these past few hours. Heck... I'd even prefer to be haunted, and beaten into submission by those insane-ass wefts of determination, he sports on his menacing face!! Yeah, I'm off to Jack N The Box.

The Full Appearance

I have been trying to figure out if it's truly wise to explore and expose the onset of this warp-like state of life. Anyway, I think that this week I will a least post some of what brought this to a head. I am trying to expel as much as I can so that in the New Year, I can hopefully move forward and not dwell. I know this is not a cure all, but it'll have to do for now, because at this very moment.... I don't want to be HERE!!

High Anxiety

 I am so fucking disgusted..... I was working on a piece that is very dear to my heart... and half of the draft is missing. And of course, I can't remember what I wrote. I can not breath and I am about to flip the hell out. My heart is pounding like crazy... This fuckin sucks!!!! I could tear my own head off!!!!

Panic in my Heart.... Or in my Mind

At this point I'm finding it very difficult to distinguish which organ is thumping the loudest or the hardest. Sometimes I think it's a race between the two... which one will be the winner, the champion to bring me to my knees and force me to throw in the towel. Do I even care to know?