15th Melt-Down

The Appt went just as I thought it would, although I did hope otherwise. I left her at 5 am to get to my Mothers and pick up my son Dee. His appt was at 11, but with the S.F traffic you just never know. But we got lost as usual, for about 1 1/2 hrs... finally made it there 2 hrs early. Anyway I just will skip over the stuff that doesn't count. Dee had an EKG, Dr reviewed it... and then he had an Echo.. during that test I left the room several times, because there is this flap in his Heart and it just breaks my spirit when I see/hear it. So needless to say I did the boo-hoo thing. I was feeling as though nothing was going right, cause I couldn't even Tweet the updates as I planned.. Thank God for TB.. she text, she tweeted for me, she sent words of encouragement from my TweetStars.... I adore you all~~

I know this entry is all jumbled and I apologize for that, but I will be writing about all this in depth when the time comes. Just know this.. He is 18yrs old and has lots of plastic in him that does NOT grow, it's clogged.
Nov 5th will be MRI of the Heart.... also will get fitted for the box that monitors heart just in case other things need to be fixed. Then 2weeks later we see the specialist again... and we plan the surgery. We are looking at 3-4 mos for it to take place...4 mos is pushing it tho. They want give me time to do what ever, like tie up loose ends and such. Hospital stay 10-14 days and home recuperating 4-6 weeks. I never leave my boy alone in the hospital, I will be there with him the entire time. I am exhausted just writing this bit!

 

 Let me see... is there anything to report on. Last Thursday was my Doc appt, and I was given new meds to try out ...While it's only been a few days, I am to call in today to inform the Doc if meds are a help to me in any way. And of course they are NOT, well, as far as I can tell they are NOT, cause I am still hella sleepy and can't get any rest!! Ohh yeah, I am to have a battery of blood work done this week... providing I can fast. Ain't this always the way, my crazy-ass sore throat/neck pains are healing themselves... they could have hung around for a couple of more days to aid me in what I believe is "inhuman" treatment!! My stomach doesn't like to be cheated/abused/tricked!

myself/others

Today is not the same as any other day... it's worse and I feel as though I want it all to be over with. I'm sick of the crying spells and the alienation that the "Bitch" likes to hand out freely. I will be seeing my therapist in a couple of hours and I'm not quite sure what the hell is gonna come tumbling out this gob of mine. No doubt there'll be plenty of truths... but what about the dreaded question I will be asked? "Are you feeling like you want to harm yourself or others?" Well........... Look at these swollen red-ass eyes of mine.... and tell me WHAT you THINK I feel like doing to myself and others!

This morning's commute wasn't so bad, although I had to pass my former home, which sort of sent shivers through-out my stomach. I am determined to get over this one way or another, I've come up with numerous ideas on how I can. And it's all going to be done in the name of my son... I owe him so much that it kills me that I  have screwed up so badly I literally die a little, when the thoughts refuse to vacate.

Was not going to make an entry...

Anyway, yesterday I left to run an errand or two... moving about with just 4 hours of sleep. I felt fine at first... That was... until I was sitting at a red light in the direction of the home that I lost. Every emotion was called back into the classroom from recess... and boy... o'boy... they were restless as hell. I had to pull the car over and  take a few deep breathes. The extra oxygen did nothing for this body, I felt like getting out the car and just walking away.  Find a steady stride... hang on to it...  never look back.! Then my phone rings and it's my son. The sound of that boy's voice, made my heart sink, throat tighten up, eyes blurrier. I somewhat got myself together to hold a conversation with him. Although it was a much needed  powerful distraction... I don't think he was fooled!!

Infections Of Many

There is an early Hospital Visit for me, in the morning. And all I can see are chest tubes, and draining apparatuses. This Respiratory Infection is worse and I am on the verge of giving in to it's powers of torture. I can't walk, shower, talk for long periods of time without virtually collapsing. With every cough the crackling is increased, and breathing is so labored, I'm wondering if it's worth trying to breath at all. Then there is my Son, so afraid and unsure of his Mommy's fate. That hurts me most of all... my baby being upset.